Divorce and Kids: How to Help Them Navigate the Journey

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A few weeks ago, I asked you to complete a survey so I could figure out how to support you best, and the feedback was helpful. The survey is still open, so if you haven't completed it yet, you can do so here.

In the survey, I created space for questions, and I received many of them. I've decided to answer them on my podcast and in my newsletters.

How do you help your children transition if you choose to divorce? My three kids and their dad are super close as a family unit. And that's all they know. I feel like I'm breaking the family apart. How do I help the children see that mommy isn't happy and needs to move on, but I still love their dad, just not as my husband. I'm trying to make everyone happy, yet it seems I'm the bad guy and they are getting the raw end of the deal.

I wanted to answer this question first because I am a newly divorced mom of two. My daughter is now eighteen, a freshman in college, and my son is sixteen, a junior in high school. However, at the time when I decided to get a divorce and leave my marriage, my children were twelve and fourteen.

Let me first state that divorce is hard AF, and when you have children, I believe it's even harder because you are equally concerned about their wellbeing. More often than not, women will stay in a marriage even if they're miserable because of their children.

But trust and believe, the kids can already sense that something is off. We hear stories all the time about children of divorced parents like they're not surprised that their parents got divorced, or they knew something was wrong, but the parents didn't communicate it with them, or their parents weren't happy, and they could feel it.

I remember when I first considered leaving my marriage. I thought about sticking it out for another six years until my son graduated high school, but I couldn't bear the thought of staying in an unhealthy marriage for so long. It felt like I was slowly dying, and I knew I had to do something about it.

I confided in my Granny about getting a divorce, and she told me that I would break my children's hearts. It hurt to hear that, but I explained that I was unhappy and couldn't stay in my marriage any longer. Despite her reaction, I knew I had to prioritize my well-being.

Despite knowing the pain it would cause my children, I chose myself. It was the best decision for me. I owed it to my children to be a happier, healthier, and healed version of their mother. During my marriage to their father, they only saw a diluted version of me. I couldn't fully be their mother because I had to suppress my true self.

I recently heard a black woman therapist on TikTok discuss how a mother's happiness greatly impacts the well-being of her children. According to her, a mother who is depressed, anxious, or suffering from PTSD may struggle to fully support and nurture her children because she is disconnected from herself and her body. This resonated with me, and I agree with her perspective.

My children have a good mother. Did they get a great mother? Did they get the best mother?

No, because I was too busy trying to manage so many things, while I am hurting on the inside. At the time, I didn't have the language that I was in, an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. I didn't know that.

The therapist went on to say, towards the end of the video, that a mother will teach you through her actions, not her words. And that is so true because if you go back and listen to the episode where I interviewed my daughter, she spoke to that very thing.

Women are Silently Hurting

I had to consider what life would be like if I stayed in my marriage after my children moved out. I couldn't imagine staying in a marriage just because we had been together for so long.

I wondered what we would talk about and what we would do when it was just him and me in the house. Our marriage had become very superficial, and there was no spark. We lacked chemistry and a deep connection. Our lives were completely centered around our children, and once they moved out, it seemed like there wouldn't be an "us" anymore. It was inevitable that we would end up in the situation we're in today. If you want to know how we got here, read my book.

Many wives and moms stay in marriages to make everyone else happy. They suffer silently, and I hear about this all the time. And I'm not exaggerating.

There's not a week that goes by that I'm not having a conversation with a woman contemplating getting a divorce. She's emotionally exhausted, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed, tired, and ready for a change. She's given her marriage all she has, and she wants to leave.

This is who I wrote my book for, the woman who needs support as she's trying to find the courage to leave. Whether you're thinking about divorce or uncoupling, you're trying to figure it out. Maybe you're trying to cross all your T's and dot all your I's. Buy the book and let it be a guide for you on your journey.

How do you help your children transition through divorce? 

( 1) Be honest and keep it age-appropriate. You know what your children can handle based on their age. Be honest, but don't give them too much information that they cannot even digest.

(2) Reassure your love is unconditional and the divorce has nothing to do with them

(3) Allow them to have their feelings. They will feel like they did something to cause the divorce, and you have to reassure them that you are leaving your marriage and that has nothing to do with them. And you may have to reassure them multiple times.

(4) Get the kids in therapy

(5) Keep their schedule and routines consistent.

(6) Never talk bad about the other parent to them or in front of them. You can discuss your feelings about their dad with your therapist, friends, or anyone else, but please do not speak negatively about their dad or criticize him in front of them. Ultimately, he is their father. Even if he speaks poorly of you and tries to make you look bad, try not to retaliate or behave in the same way.

(7) Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep.

Going through a divorce is hard AF, so do your best to tend to can care for yourself and your children. You got this, I am rooting for you! If you’re looking for community, come hang out with me on TikTok, I go live every morning and sharing my joournet.

I am hanging out and sharing a lot on TikTok and I would love for you to follow me.

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I Don’t Want To Be Married Anymore: Finding the Courage and Where to Start is an immersive book experience where I am sharing my story along with the lessons I’ve learned on my journey to freedom.

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Things Worth Sharing…

• I read Curvy Girl Summer by Danielle Allen and it was really good. I give it five stars!

• I created a Digital Resource Library to offer you support as you explore living life on your terms. Check it out here

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What I am Vibing To…

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With love and light,

Siobhan