Getting to Know Myself While Dating

a self-discovery journey

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Dating has been a journey of self-discovery for me, and I've learned so much along the way. Last week, I had to end a relationship because we both wanted something different and ultimately someone was going to get hurt.

It wasn’t an easy decision because I enjoyed some aspects of our relationship, however, I knew I had to take care of myself and honor how I felt.

In my book, I talk about how I got married and started a family at a young age, and I missed out on the carefree experiences of my twenties.

Now that I'm in my forties and dating for the first time, everything feels new and exciting. I'm learning to be kind to myself and embrace this journey with an open heart and mind.  

While others may have different expectations, I approach dating with curiosity and eagerness, ready to have fun, make mistakes, learn, and most importantly, enjoy life. I'm determined to savor this experience and feel liberated.

At this stage in my life, I'm not seeking a serious relationship. It wouldn't be fair to myself or to anyone I dated, as I'm still healing from a long-term relationship that consumed much of my life. I want to focus on giving myself the care and attention that I've been yearning for and I deserve.

Dating in my forties

Now, at forty-four, I'm adjusting to living on my own and creating a life that reflects my truest self. Everything feels new to me, and I want to take the time to explore this new space I am in.

Someday, I hope to find deep, fulfilling love. I often immerse myself in romance novels and movies, yearning for the kind of love they depict. I believe that when the time is right, that kind of love will find its way to me.

I have been asked many times if I want more children, and my answer is no. Another common question I get is whether I will get married again. The answer is also no, as I am not interested in getting married.

When I decide to be in a relationship in the future, it will look very different from my previous experiences because my views on marriage have changed significantly. I often joke that if I ever get married, it will be when I'm 84 or 92, and I'll think, "I might as well." 

As of today, I believe I have a clearer understanding of what I want at this stage of my life concerning dating. I am also more aware of certain triggers that come up in my relationships. For example, the last guy I dated had similar patterns as my ex-husband and thankfully I was able to see this early on before things got too serious.

My therapist helped me see that the triggers exist because I am attracting men based on my unhealed wounds. The healing process is layered, and I want to prioritize internal work before getting into a serious relationship with someone.

It's important to me to stay self-aware and considerate of my emotions without projecting them onto others. However, it's a bit scary not knowing when something might trigger me. Having a patient and understanding partner is very important to me, as I require space to share my feelings. During my marriage, I found it difficult to communicate and express myself, so I kept a lot bottled up inside.

Different Types of Dating

Dating in 2024 is so different from when I was younger. There are various kinds of relationships now, and it's really interesting to see. 

I did some research and found different types of dating experiences, such as monogamy, friends with benefits, situationships, casual dating, long-term dating, ethically non-monogamous relationships, throuples, open relationships, polyamory, exclusive dating, and online dating. 

As for me, I see myself more in casual dating and ethically non-monogamous relationships. I'm openly dating multiple people and having the type of experiences I want.

The benefit of dating in my forties is that I can navigate my relationships with the wisdom I’ve gained over the years while I heal my 20-year-old self.

I've realized that when you're in a relationship, whether it's a friendship or something more romantic, the people you choose to have in your life act as mirrors, reflecting certain aspects of yourself that might not have been clear to you before.

The last guy I dated unintentionally showed me parts of myself that I hadn't seen before. Through our conversations and spending time together, I've been able to recognize some unhealthy behaviors and patterns in myself. I'm not sure when or how these things would have come up if we weren't dating.

Now, I'm starting to understand what I like and what I don't like, as well as recognizing areas where I need to grow and improve my communication skills.

Overall, I am filled with excitement about my dating journey and this new chapter in my life. Thankfully, each person I have dated has taught me invaluable lessons, and I eagerly anticipate what the future holds. I’ve been able to observe parts of myself that have healed, and I can feel the changes and growth within me. 

I believe that it is vital to love yourself, to become acquainted with your inner being, to heal, and to grow. By doing so, you will be ready for the right person to enter your life, whoever that may be when you’re ready.

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I Don’t Want To Be Married Anymore: Finding the Courage and Where to Start is an immersive book experience where I am sharing my story along with the lessons I’ve learned on my journey to freedom.

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Subscribe and listen to this week’s episode of my podcast.

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If you’re dating, how have your dating experiences been? Any words of wisdom you would like to share?

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Things Worth Sharing…

• If you want to read more about the different types of dating, check out this article

• Need a little positivity to start your day, here’s a beautiful list of affirmations

• The Idea of You is a great love story to watch on Prime

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What I am Vibing To…

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With love and light,

Siobhan